Monsters in My Heart

When I was a kid, fear used to keep me up at night… fear of the imaginary monsters in my closet that would suddenly become real when the lights went off. I would close my eyes and sing a song, sometimes out loud, and sometimes in my head, just to make them go away. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But I always knew that the next morning they would be gone, and my fear would dissolve in the rays of the sun.
Now that I’m older, I still lie awake at night, unable to sleep because I’m afraid of the monsters… not the ones in my closet, but those that live within me. I spend my days trying to be better than the person I was yesterday, but I fall asleep with the fear that I’m still not good enough, that I’m not making enough of a difference, that I’m not trying as much as I could. I want to abolish the demons inside of me, get rid of the hate and replace it with love. I want to remove any drop of selfishness and fill the empty spaces with smiles and hugs, just waiting to be given out to those who need it. I want to change my impatience into a willing heart and listening ears, so that those who go so long being ignored will finally be heard. I want to transform my rash judgements into acceptance, so that everyone, no matter how different, will feel like they belong. I want to reshape my heart into a mirror, so that anyone who looks harshly at themselves will see that they are beautiful to me.

But I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough. I’m afraid I’ll never make enough of a difference. I’m afraid I’m only adding to the chaos instead of helping to alleviate it. And I’m afraid that my monsters will never stop tormenting me.

They taunt, they scream, they push. “You can’t do it” - “You aren’t strong enough” - “You’re a disappointment” - ”You make no difference to people, to the world”

I’m scared. Every night, I try to sleep. Every night I close my eyes and try to block out the voices. But I can’t… so when the sun comes up, I try my best to prove them wrong. To be better than I can be, and to never give up. But I’m getting tired, so my hope tonight is that I will find the strength to keep going. That the loneliness will disappear, and that I will meet someone who will reignite the fire, remind me what it feels like to belong, and who will fight alongside me to make this world of ours a happier place.

Tonight I hope that love will be my sunshine; that it will scare away the monsters, and that they will never come back again

Challenge #1

I believe that the #1 thing Jesus wanted us to learn as His creations was how to love. And when I say love, I mean unjudgemental, unselfish, true love. None of us can come close to His unconditional love, but we can strive each day to be better at caring for people.

It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexuality, or really ANYTHING about the person that makes them stand out. They are only different if we choose to see them that way. We are the creations of the boxes, the stereotypes, and the judgements.. not them.

So here's a challenge for the week: Try to show someone you wouldn't normally even look at a little love. Who knows? They might really need it right now.

Love

People walk around everywhere, carrying with them the love they feel for one another. It’s released in a kiss, a hug, a smile, or even a simple thought. Love is all around us, so why then can’t we see it? Recently, I’ve become strikingly aware of how much love is in my life, and it has filled my soul to the brim with an overwhelming happiness. I cannot describe how difficult the last 3 months of my life have been, and yet I find it almost impossible to wake up in the morning without a smile on my face. I’ve decided that love, like happiness, is something that just is. You can choose to hide from it or you can choose to bask in its warmth. Regardless of the amount of stress, drama, or craziness in your life right now, just take a moment and breathe. All around you is the love that people have shared with you throughout your life, so take a little bit of it in and breathe a little bit of it out. It truly makes the world go round, and can bring a smile to your face on even the darkest days.

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

It’s true; love is amazing. So go send some out there, and who knows how much you’ll get back in return?