I Found God in a Hopeless Place

 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them”1 John 4:16

It’s come to my attention recently that I haven’t been filling the molds other people have expected me to fill. There are some things about me that are different; things that nobody planned. Things that come as a surprise to even me, and things I have to come to terms with, even if I don’t want to.
I’ve just completed my freshman year of college and let’s just say it was quite the doozy. My favorite piece on this blog from this year is “Monsters in my Heart”. It was a polished and poetic way of expressing all of the crazy doubts I’ve always had pent up in my mind. This post will run alongside “Monsters”, but in a much less elegant and much more raw form.
I have always been terrified of disappointing the people around me, especially those who have always been important: family, friends, and other loved ones. I feel like I spent my life trying to make everyone else happy; especially when it comes to their perceptions of who I am. I’ve always wanted people to be proud of me, through both troubling and easy times. But this year was different… this year I took some chances. They were bold, not all of them good, not all of them bad, but all of them scared the sh*t out of me. Taking steps without knowing where my feet were going to fall was the hardest thing, but something funny happened when I closed my eyes to risk it all… I found God.

Now I know this all sounds cheesy, so let me clear some things up first. I was raised in a loving and supportive Christian home with parents who worked (and still work) hard to try to give me the best possible position in life economically, academically, and religiously. I love them for that, and will be forever in their debt. So no, when I say I found God that doesn’t mean that I discovered who Jesus was and began reading all the Bible stories, etc.. No. I have been going to church as long as I remember, and the Holy Book was always present on our bookshelves, tucked between the French literature and tropical medicine texts of my youth.
When I say I found God, I mean that three years ago, it felt like I had lost Him. I stopped going to church, could barely look at the Bible, and convinced myself that I didn’t need to rely on Him.
Bad move on my part.
But God, being the lovely guy that He is, continued following me around, waiting for that moment when I would smack my forehead and realize that, “Oh yeah! Maybe it would be good to have Him in my life again…”
That’s what I mean when I say I found God. It took me falling into the deepest hole I’d ever been in to figure it out… but I’m so glad I did. On the worst day of the year, I made the decision to join Colby Christian Fellowship and through that, met some of the most incredible people ever, and I know He definitely had a hand in making sure they became a part of my life.
Before, and for a time afterwards, I was in a hopeless place, completely unable to deal with what was going on around me. I had convinced myself that I had somehow achieved the one thing I had dedicated my life to avoiding: disappointing the people I loved. I foolishly felt like no one was proud of me anymore, and that I had somehow messed everything up. I wasn’t a good Christian, I wasn’t doing as well academically as I wanted to, and I had flaws that I had never before been willing to admit. It was rough when I started coming to terms with all of the things about myself that didn’t fit other people’s mold of me, but at the same time, it felt good. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders to finally be looking in and concentrating on myself and who I really was. But, because I had kept it all in for so long, once I started letting go just a little bit, everything came crashing down all around me. I felt like I had somehow messed up the world in a million different ways. I struggled to keep things hidden, like my often-overwhelming anxiety and numerous insecurities, but that didn’t last for long. Everything that I had refused to confront ended up blowing up in my face and I was left in the middle, staring at the pieces around me. That’s when I found God. When I was at my lowest point, when I felt sure that no one on earth could possibly be proud of the girl I had become. When I felt like all the good I had done could never outweigh the stress and pain I was causing in other people’s lives. When I felt like I had disappointed everyone that had ever meant anything to me, just by being honest about myself. I found God in a hopeless place, and through God, I found love. I found love in new friends that stepped up to fill empty holes, I found love in the people around me who began sharing their own stories of pain and suffering, I found love in the reflection of myself I had shied away from for so long. I found love… and I found God. Because God is LOVE, and according to a verse a dear friend sent me, , “Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them”. So from this moment forward, I choose to live more firmly in God, because I don’t want to even imagine what another year of my life would be like without love and what another year of my life would be like without Him. And who am I kidding? I didn't find God, He found me.

Camp is Awesome

Man, where do I begin?  I'm 11 days into my 21 day training period and life is good!  I'm learning how to facilitate rock climbing (belaying the climbers), Rappelling, BMX track, terrain park, archery, knife throwing, riflery, waterfront, and the 800 foot zip line.  And much more to come.  It's amazing the resources used here to reach young lives for Christ.  The generosity God has given to this place in the past and even now on a continued basis.  I can't wait until the kids get here and I get to watch God work in their lives and in mine as well.  I've already seen him at work in my life and others around me.  I've seen His plans unfold right in front of me as He used me to do it!  It's indescribable really.  I'm also learning about myself as a child of God and as a man under His direction.  

You might get what you want... but is it what you need?

The stress of finals is kicking in. Another year is behind me, and it’s amazing to think that I will no longer be a freshman in a few short days. Once I take my exam on Monday I will be considered a sophomore, no longer the bottom of the totem pole. I cannot wait.

This year has taught me a lot of things. About friendship, loss, fear, strength, honesty, and, most importantly, love. I’ve had a hard time with that last one these past few months after someone that meant a great deal to me kind of fell out of my life. But now that the worst has passed, I’m actually extremely thankful that it happened. I learned a lot about myself… about what I wanted from my college experience, what I wanted from my friends, and what I wanted from myself. I started focusing on what made me happy and out of nowhere everything around me seemed suddenly brighter than it had ever been before. It’s like I somehow tapped into something magical… something that I never would have been able to see had I remained trapped in the same relationship. Never before have I felt so alive, or so absolutely in love with life, than I have been lately. And it’s not because everything is going well, because there are quite a few things that are actually really shitty, but this thing I encountered.... this magic… it makes me feel happy in a way I’ve never experienced… I think it might be love.

How do I know? I’ve never felt so accepted for who I am… so supported… so cared for. And all of that gives me hope. Hope that next year is going to be better than I could have ever thought possible.

I came into Colby with one goal in mind: Friendship. All I wanted to do at college was find that best friend, that soul mate with whom I could share my joys and struggles. Someone who would make me laugh, dry my tears, and love me for who I am, mistakes and all. Guess what? I found exactly that. I found a girl who was undoubtedly the precise thing I had been looking for my whole life. That friend who seemed to be the one who would finally stick by my side… who wouldn’t leave me for any of the reasons I’d been left behind before. She gained my trust, and renewed my faith in people, giving me a sort of strength I never could have imagined.

I got exactly what I wanted… but it wasn’t what I needed.

In the long run, the relationship caused more damage than anything else, and I was left a few feet deeper in a hole I thought I’d never find myself stuck in again. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with it, but I swore to myself a few years ago that I would never regret a single thing in my life… and I still don’t. Though the end of that friendship led to more pain than I could have imagined, I’m completely thankful for the experience. And I’m even more thankful that it came to an end.

I look around at my life now and realize that because I got what I wanted when I came into college, I had stopped looking for anything else. I convinced myself that I was content with what I had, but, deep down, it wasn’t enough. I wish I had been able to see that earlier… to take a step back and continue exploring college life… maybe I would have been able to save us, but I didn’t. And I can’t look back now and regret it, because I have so much to be thankful for and I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything in the world… even to get her back. I’ve met so many people, listened to so many stories, and had so many enriching experiences that I feel like I finally started doing college right. I think I got what I was supposed to get out of freshman year... and it’s much more than those extra couple pounds from quesadillas and curly fries at the Spa. ;]

I got love. I got support. I got experience, happiness, a family. I got faith, appreciation, honesty, and I got acceptance. I tapped into that magic on campus, whatever it is, and I walk around with it following me anywhere I go.

I guess I’m just overwhelmed at the amount of love in my life right now, and I cannot help but give a shout out to some of the most incredible people in the world: Shannon, Kelsey, Camille, Leah, and the rest of the girls. You have made SUCH a huge difference in my life that I can barely imagine where I would be without you. Thank you for loving me, for supporting me, and for accepting me for exactly who I am. I couldn’t ask for anything else. You helped me find the kind of love that I should have started out looking for. You helped me figure out exactly what I needed, and made me realize that it was so much better than what I thought I wanted. I love you. <3

End of the Begining

And so my freshman year of college draws to a close.  Time has come and passed, friends have come and gone, grades have risen, fell and risen again, new faces and new places have been scene and passed.  In all reality, I can't really put words to how I feel.  It's something deep.  I've grown but spiritually and physically in the last school year and it's only looking up from here.  There has been some hard times, I wont lie.  People aren't always who you think they are and you yourself are not always who you think you are.  You learn things about yourself when you're presented with situations that you'd never seen.  You'd only heard about them in book or movies, or those dark tales that your parents told you when you were small to make you appreciate your curfew or respect their disapproval of your one friend who always smelled funny or how they used to walk you to the door of school.  It's both an amazing and terrible thing to be a part of and to witness in others around you.  Because you know, that there's always that one person who will have your back and pick you up when you need it most.  But with the knowledge gained this year I hold high hopes for the coming school year and for the summer.

Speaking of summer.  I've nailed an awesome job at Camp Eagle in Texas for the entire summer.  I'm working as a counselor for kids ages 8-16 and a part time worship leader.  I'm going to be so busy it's crazy!  I'm so excited and can't wait until  it all comes together.  I start a 3 week staff training course on the 13th of May (mother's day too so be ready!!!) and then we have 10 weeks of campers and one more week until school starts for me in the fall.  So that's my summer in a nutshell. 

 Right now I'm sitting in my aunt and uncle's living room in Pleasant Hill MO.  Or, for all practical purposes: Kansas City.  I'm spending a week here before camp and chilling with my cousin and some friends who live in the area.  Hopefully it will be a good time and I'll get some R&R in before the summer wipes me out.  Maybe even go to the mall today?

And this is a video that I've been meaning to put up for a while now.  This is me at the start of my senior year of high school getting slapped because I lost a bet.  The bet being that it would not rain before Friday that week.  The bet was made on a Monday and this video was shot Thursday.  It rained Wednesday night....  One of my best friend's: Austin is the honorable man I lost to.  Well played Austin, well played.

Monsters in My Heart

When I was a kid, fear used to keep me up at night… fear of the imaginary monsters in my closet that would suddenly become real when the lights went off. I would close my eyes and sing a song, sometimes out loud, and sometimes in my head, just to make them go away. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But I always knew that the next morning they would be gone, and my fear would dissolve in the rays of the sun.
Now that I’m older, I still lie awake at night, unable to sleep because I’m afraid of the monsters… not the ones in my closet, but those that live within me. I spend my days trying to be better than the person I was yesterday, but I fall asleep with the fear that I’m still not good enough, that I’m not making enough of a difference, that I’m not trying as much as I could. I want to abolish the demons inside of me, get rid of the hate and replace it with love. I want to remove any drop of selfishness and fill the empty spaces with smiles and hugs, just waiting to be given out to those who need it. I want to change my impatience into a willing heart and listening ears, so that those who go so long being ignored will finally be heard. I want to transform my rash judgements into acceptance, so that everyone, no matter how different, will feel like they belong. I want to reshape my heart into a mirror, so that anyone who looks harshly at themselves will see that they are beautiful to me.

But I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough. I’m afraid I’ll never make enough of a difference. I’m afraid I’m only adding to the chaos instead of helping to alleviate it. And I’m afraid that my monsters will never stop tormenting me.

They taunt, they scream, they push. “You can’t do it” - “You aren’t strong enough” - “You’re a disappointment” - ”You make no difference to people, to the world”

I’m scared. Every night, I try to sleep. Every night I close my eyes and try to block out the voices. But I can’t… so when the sun comes up, I try my best to prove them wrong. To be better than I can be, and to never give up. But I’m getting tired, so my hope tonight is that I will find the strength to keep going. That the loneliness will disappear, and that I will meet someone who will reignite the fire, remind me what it feels like to belong, and who will fight alongside me to make this world of ours a happier place.

Tonight I hope that love will be my sunshine; that it will scare away the monsters, and that they will never come back again

Challenge #1

I believe that the #1 thing Jesus wanted us to learn as His creations was how to love. And when I say love, I mean unjudgemental, unselfish, true love. None of us can come close to His unconditional love, but we can strive each day to be better at caring for people.

It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexuality, or really ANYTHING about the person that makes them stand out. They are only different if we choose to see them that way. We are the creations of the boxes, the stereotypes, and the judgements.. not them.

So here's a challenge for the week: Try to show someone you wouldn't normally even look at a little love. Who knows? They might really need it right now.

Love

People walk around everywhere, carrying with them the love they feel for one another. It’s released in a kiss, a hug, a smile, or even a simple thought. Love is all around us, so why then can’t we see it? Recently, I’ve become strikingly aware of how much love is in my life, and it has filled my soul to the brim with an overwhelming happiness. I cannot describe how difficult the last 3 months of my life have been, and yet I find it almost impossible to wake up in the morning without a smile on my face. I’ve decided that love, like happiness, is something that just is. You can choose to hide from it or you can choose to bask in its warmth. Regardless of the amount of stress, drama, or craziness in your life right now, just take a moment and breathe. All around you is the love that people have shared with you throughout your life, so take a little bit of it in and breathe a little bit of it out. It truly makes the world go round, and can bring a smile to your face on even the darkest days.

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

It’s true; love is amazing. So go send some out there, and who knows how much you’ll get back in return?

An update from the past.

Oh man, March is almost over an there's not a single post to be had! What madness is this? Well I'm here to save the day (and hopefully provide some laughs along the way).

So what's happened with me since I posted last? No, it is too much, let me sum up:

God: good, Weather: improving, Health: excellent, Social life: good, School: meh, Rugby: could be better. So yeah. There's a lot been happening but today I'll tell you about the spring break trip I took with the BSU group here back in the beginning of this month. I'm sure most if not all of you have heard of the crazy huge tornado that tore Joplin Missouri apart last year. I know it's been a while but there is still a ton of debris and clean up work to be done. So that's what we did. Day 1 we worked in a huge Salvation Army warehouse moving boxes of clothes and sorting said clothes and building massive tables out of saw-horses, pallets, cardboard and shrink wrap. definitely a good opening to the trip. The only down set was the day before, one of our team members injured his ankle in a roller skating accident and was quite discouraged at his temporary lack of mobility (he was well-chair bound for the day). But what was really cool was his refusal to let it get him so far down that he became useless. he worked where he could as hard as he could and was a silent encouragement to us all.
The second day, we split into two different teams and attacked (some of us in a more literal sense) two different projects. The team I went with was helping to finish demolishing a trailer that the twister had gotten the best of and cleaning up the debris (which was around 98% fiber glass, 2% safe) that was all over the yard. That day was particularly fun as I was able to use a sledgie for most of it and beat the living snot out of stuff (like a toilet!!) That day we all worked together without serious injury (sunburns all around, but it was all good in the end. I have a nice tan now =)
Day three we cleared brush and broken fence stuffs from someone's yard and then moved to another site (because we work fast and finished early like the bosses we are) to move a pile of brush from one spot, to about 300 yards closer to the road. That was intense. I worked the wheelbarrow most of the day and probably moved a literal ton of wood. Turns out, the BSU peeps work really well as a team, setting up a mid-way point to switch out loads like a relay. much less work done but much more finished.
At some point, I believe it was day 4, tragedy struck. While finishing up child-care at a local church for the evening, a good friend of mine and team member fell and seriously bruised her knee. At the time she was unable to walk and was in a good amount of pain. We rushed her to the hospital and after a few tense hours of prayer and worry, we got a phone call that she was ok, it was only a serious bruise. Praising God for that. It was kinda scary.
After that, the week finished decently quick and un-eventful but we still had a good time. And now we've been back at school for a while and we can't wait for summer.
Speaking of summer I should tell you all about my job! I'm going to be a Headwaters counselor and part-time worship leader at Camp Eagle in TX. over the summer! I'm crazy excited about it and I can't wait to see how God can use me.
But until next time: Good bye, stay safe, and don't fall into the lightning sand.

Childish Jealousy

Hey again! Maybe I need to cut down on the posting since this is my third in a row and midterms are coming up.... Anyway, here's an old post I wrote that I never uploaded. I can't seem to get it off my mind. Some information is out of date, unfortunately. Enjoy!

When did I get so old?

So here I am at 5 am still awake after a night that didn't end until 3. I found myself running to my friend's room because I couldnt sleep but that just resulted in too much body heat for one dorm bed. So I left. I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I wish life was as simple as it was in first grade. Back then boys had cooties, the future seemed so distant, and you could make up with your best friend by bringing her favorite lollipop to school the next day. Kids were trusting, fearless. Nothing could permanently hurt our worlds or our hearts. Everything was carefree and i remember that my biggest problem was when my mom mixed up my lunch with my brothers and I ended up with a pb&j sandwich. Not everyone had it so easy when we were young, but even those problems seemed distant. What happened? Yes I am now more educated, more mature, but what has that done for me? Tonight I fended off several inebriated guys, worried desperately about the future, and eased the drama with my best friend. My world has become so complicated and I just want it to be simple. I want words like " I'm sorry" "I promise" and "I love you" to mean something again. I want the future to feel limitless. I want my relationships to be carefree. I want to be 6 again. These are the things I think about at 5am on a Saturday morning. I should be sleeping but I need to clear my head. I'm going to go for an early morning run and maybe I can close my eyes and convince myself that the world is simple. Maybe I can convince myself that all those words mean something. Maybe, just maybe, I can convince myself that I am a kid again

Survival of the Fearful

Everyone is afraid of something. Fear is our mind’s way of telling our body to stay away, that we are in some sort of dangerous situation and that we need to escape. We learn fear in order to survive. Take for example, that one time when you were a kid and your mother told you not to touch the hot stove. You didn’t believe her did you? No, we just have to try these things for ourselves, even if people tell us it’s going to hurt. Once we get burned, however, our body will instantly jerk our hand back, and we become afraid of touching it again. But what happens if it didn’t hurt THAT badly? Maybe we’ll try it again, just for the hell of it. And again. And again. Until that one time when you are so confident that your mom was wrong that you end up with a 3rd degree burn. You’re never going to want to touch the stove after that, whether it’s hot or not. So, though it may take a few tries for our brain to get the message, eventually we learn to be afraid of things. Fear can change our lives; sometimes it's healthy, and sometimes it’s not. But regardless, when something, or even someone, hurts us enough times, our mind tells us to run away, so that we don’t end up with another burn, scar, or broken heart. Fear helps us survive; and if you keep getting burned by that damn stove over and over again, it’s time to take your hand off it.

The Good, The Bad, and the Optimistic

Something good comes out of everything bad. Yeah I know it sounds cliché, but in my life, I’ve found that it’s absolutely true… without exception. While my short 18 years certainly haven’t been the worst, I’ve definitely had my fair share of rough times. There were a couple times where I was hanging on by a strand, with little reason to go on, but by some marvel I kept struggling, relying on my optimistic nature that told me that something good would inevitably come my way.

Think about it. When was the last bad thing that happened? Is there anything good that you can find that came out of it? Granted, it may be hard to find at first, but once you get into the habit of looking at the positive in the negative, it gets a hell of a lot easier.

It doesn’t have to be something as big as the stories we read about 9/11 with the people that got coffee spilled on them and therefore were late for work and not in the buildings when they crashed. It also shouldn’t be something cynical like reasoning that not getting chocolate for Valentine’s Day is good because it’s fattening anyway. We all know you would have liked to get chocolate (whether you would have eaten it or not is a different story). I’m talking about the rough times that everyone goes through, like break ups, failed tests, etc… that may feel terrible at the time, but if you look hard enough you can find something positive in your life that changed because of what happened. Sometimes what happened will outweigh the amount of good you find, no matter how hard you look, but the point of it is to realize that SOMETHING positive came out of it, regardless of how small that something might be.

I’m not saying that when something bad happens, you shouldn’t be sad, because it’s always important to feel the hurt of what you’ve gone through. But it’s also important to remember that things will get better, no matter what. Life can throw you some pretty wacky curveballs, believe me, I’ve been hit by that damn pitcher a couple times too many, but regardless of the bruises, scars, and broken hearts I’ve suffered, I still choose to be happy.

Anything can change in an instant. Today might be the worst day in the world, but tomorrow morning you might wake up and meet the love of your life. That’s what’s beautiful about this whole future thing… we have no idea what’s coming. It could be good, it could be bad, who knows? But instead of dreading, or being pessimistic about tomorrow, wouldn’t we be so much better off if we decided to greet every morning with a smile, regardless of our yesterday?
I’m not writing this post from an awesome time in my life and looking down on all the sad souls, telling them to perk up. No, my life is far from perfect. And I’ll be honest, there was a point, very recently, where I scoffed at my own principles and told myself how stupid I was to believe that life is anything but cruel and unfair. But with the help of some amazing friends, God, and my damn determination, I’ve come around once again to the fact that life will give you what it gives you and all you can do is try to be happy and hopeful, no matter what the circumstances.
The whole point of life is that it goes on. We’re all in it together and we can look at it whatever way we choose. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to believe that things happen for a reason. And I choose to believe that if I look hard enough, there’s going to be some sort of rainbow after every storm.

Woah!

Woah. Just...woah. I'm sorry I haven't been posting. This first week has been really hectic, what with all the homeworks I have this semester that I didn't have last semester. BUT! I am sooooo happy with all my classes. I'm taking French, Italian, the Social Psychology of Stereotyping, Public Diplomacy, and East African Popular Culture. But I might drop the East African one. Because the professor's voice puts me to sleep, and I don't feel like putting in all that effort to stay awake. Plus, it cuts my lunchtime down to zero.

FYI, having a French class and an Italian class back to back is really confusing. If you're going to take two languages, make sure they're not both romance languages. You end up speaking Frenchtalian, or Spançais, or Latspagnol....it's all very confusing. But, in my French class we're reading an Asterix and Obelix book, which makes the class all the more awesome. I'm also enrolled in a lifeguard training class, which means I could get a lifeguarding job this summer. Woot for monies. Point being, that this semester is going awesomely!

Let me just take a minute to give a shout out to my otter Daniel, who just got his first college acceptance!!! POP CHAMPAGNE! Ah, the days of being a high school senior. I think the first college acceptance is the best. Then comes your first choice. Lucky for Daniel, it seems that it was both!

Anyways, the winter in Massachusetts has been great. No, I'm serious. We have no snow right now. It's amazing, I love it, thank the Lord. It rained today, but it wasn't too bad. I mean, compared to Kinshasa, it was drizzling, but people still carried umbrellas. I chilled and did homework most of the day, while jammin' to my girl Alicia Keys. And some Motown thrown in there too. What can I say? I was in a jazzy mood.

In a few weeks, my mom will be coming up to Boston for the recruiting fair, and so will my godmother, and a good friend of ours. My godbrother might also be coming up to visit. It's going to be a big ol' reunion! After which, I will visit Oberlin College, and submit my application. Pray for me, guys. I really want to get into this school.

Well, I have more homework to do, so I will blog later. Deuces!

*title goes here*

Today was an interesting day. I woke up earlier than I normally would (around 0800) so I could ideally go to a state park with a buddy of mine named Nathan. All was fine and dandy until we actually started trying to do things that were on our list. First, I was to meet him in one of our admin buildings so he could register for squatter's rights on a suite next year for me, him and one of his buddies (I've yet to find a roomate). Turns out, he can't do this until the 16th of February... It's a first come, first served madhouse idea and he has a class until 0830... That's 30 min after registration starts... Frustrating. Secondly, the idea was to go to the park. That would have worked but the battery in Nathan's car was dead. So we pulled out his handy-dandy trickle charger and set it up on the car for an hour or so trying at various times to start the car. None of them worked so we began to spam all our car owning friends with messages and calls to try and get someone to jump his car. This whole time it's rather brisk outside. Finally Nathan get a hold of one of his friends and she agrees to come jump the car. But it's parked in a spot with no access points. So what is there to do but back it out? Right? Right. As previously mentioned, the car will not start so we have to push. Not a big deal right? We're both rugby players, it's in our job description. Did I mention Nathan has a post-op surgical boot on one of his feet so he can't push? No? ok. Well it's true. So I have to push his Subaru out of the parking spot and a bit through the parking lot. Only, to prevent blocking traffic we (I) had to move it forwards so we (he) could straighten it out. This required pushing his car up a hill... 30 feet later he says stop and sets the brake. Five minutes later his friend shows up and we get a jump. We go to park and all is well, then we go through the Wendy's drive-through on the way back and also stop at Hasting's Movie store. Cool place, lots of movies. Upon re-entering the car, I attempt to start it, nothing. Nathan and I looked at each other with a mild sense of disbelief and a strong urge to murder a small mammal. I tried the key again and it worked. I looked back at Nathan and said simply: "I think God wants me to go to class today". So I did, it was boring, and now I must study. But I thought you all might like to hear that little tale. And remember kids: God wants YOU to go to class.
Also, I'm blogging in the time I would normally be in my fitness class. The teacher didn't show so I got free, free time!!! Yay!

It hath been posted.

So. Right now I'm doing a health class online. it's a good thing I can type and listen at the same time. Not that reducing the risk of colon cancer through regular exercise isn't the most interesting thing in the world... But in the mean time I'll tell you about my weekend and other things happening.

The idea was to go to a mixer on Saturday night after I saw a play. It was a very funny play and I commend those who I know worked on it. They put it together in less than 24 hours! That's dedication. Then, on to the mixer right? Wrong. Turns out, the Sorority we were going to "mix" (?) with also invited the football team... They didn't know we (the rugby team) were coming and they weren't all that nice about it. So we couldn't get in... I'm not convinced I missed anything worth while but it was a surprise. So my buddy Nathan and I went to McDonalds and hung out for a good while in his suite.

And that's all I really have to say at this point. Kind of updating for updating's sake. And remember kids: Zombie Rule #9 Batter Up. "Zombie down. Keep a large, blunt object nearby and ready to swing at all times. A bat, crowbar, or sturdy tree limb usually works nicely"

I had Christmas down in Africa!

I suppose it's time that I blog about my experience back home. Let me just say- it was amazing. I loved being home, seeing my family, seeing my boyfriend, but I think one of the things I really loved, was being back in the country of the DRC. (No, that's not the Dominican Republic. I get that a lot.) It never dropped below, let's say, 76 or 80 while I was there. It was sunny most of the time. I could wear shorts, and my two-piece in the middle of December. Anyways, what I'm trying to get at is that I loved being back.

So! Let me think. Oh yes. The day I left. Just so you all know, I am a horrible packer. I always pack too much, or my suitcase is too heavy. So this time, I was determined to make it under 50 lbs. And I did! I got to the airport early, I was bouncing with happiness! And then when I got to the counter, the clerk checked in my one bag, gave me my ticket, and just as I was walking away, said, "I think your carry-on is too heavy". My immediate reaction was "LOL no it's not. I weighed it, 'foo." Buuuuut then she said that my carry on and my personal item were only allowed to weigh 12 pounds. Together. O_O So yeah. I think, as an international traveler, the most humiliating thing you can be made to do is unpack your entire suitcase at the check-in counter. Just sayin'. But I was determined not to let anything ruin my mood. I was going home!! I unpacked, re-packed, packed-in, packed-up....and ended up just checking my carry on anyways. I had my shoulder bag, and that's what I needed. I met up with an old friend in the airport, got my last Starbucks before getting on the plane, and despite all the caffeine in my system, the minute the wheels were up, I was out. I slept for most of the plane ride (I always do, it's a skill.) and then I watched a movie, and went back to sleep.

We touched down in Paris at the ungodly hour of 6 a.m. when none of the shops are open. Let me explain something for those of you who have never traveled to Africa. In each airport that is in Europe, there is what we TCK's endearingly call 'The Africa Terminal'. This terminal is the crappiest in the whole airport. They kind of stick you in there, with a very limited amount of things to do, and an even more limited amount of space to roam. But, you get used to it and it really isn't so bad. I plugged in my computer and alternated between sleep and facebook until it was time for my flight to Congo, by which time I couldn't stop smiling. People must have thought I was crazy. This flight, I slept most of the way again, but when they told us 5 minutes to touchdown I was WIDE awake. And grinning. Again.

We touched down and I immediately texted my mom and my boyfriend (who had come to pick me up at the airport), forgetting that the president had banned texting in a preemptive effort to stop election violence. The minute I stepped off the plane, I knew I was home, because...the heat...the sweat....holy crap. Massachusetts winter ≠ Congo summer. But I was wearing light clothes, so it wasn't too bad. I flew through customs, got my own bags (protocol didn't show), and ran outside to where my mom and my boyfriend's dad were waiting. After hugging them both and heading over to the car, I saw my - you know what, I'm tired of typing 'boyfriend'. His name is Daniel, not to be confused with Josh's Daniel who is much too young for me. Anyways, Daniel and his sister were waiting for me by the car, and after huge hugs from the both of them, we were headed home. They both slept over on campus that night, one at my house one at my brother's house. I must say, it was an awesome homecoming indeed.

The rest of break was great, as well. I had a reunion lunch with a bunch of people from my senior class that was nice, we all missed each other, I think. Christmas morning I woke up super early, but I knew something was wrong with my mom because it was 10 a.m. and she still wasn't out of bed. She was sick, but she got out of bed to open her presents anyways, which was nice of her. I think she loved them. I had Christmas dinner at Daniel's house, which was interesting. Diplomats and army guys...anyways, I dressed up - I love to dress up. Giving him his Christmas presents was also pretty cool. Then my brother (Alykhan) and I hosted a New Year's party, with half of the festivities being at his house, but the countdown and (fake) champagne poppage at the pool. The girls (my brother's girlfriend Jennifer and our friend Clarissa) spent the night at my house, while the boys (that Josh mentioned) spent the night at my brother's house. We were up until a good 4:30 in the morning. It was a hectic few days, but it was all pretty awesome. My other brother (Nat) came home a couple days after New Years (he had been evacuated because of elections). It was nice to see him. A week later, school started for my high-school buddies, and a week after that, it was time for me to head back to Amherst.

The Friday before I left, Me, two of my three brothers, Daniel's sister Kaity, and I went out for dinner at a shmancy restau' called Limoncello, with an evening at a lounge called Spice afterwards. It was all pretty nice, we had a good time, laughing and talking the entire time. Then on Sunday, I went to Daniel's house and said my goodbyes, sobbed a bit because I was (and still am) confused about my life, and headed to the airport both Daniel and my mom. Right as they called me for boarding, I burst into tears again, but once I got on the plane I was okay. I remember what Daniel said to me: "Keep your chin up." and I've been trying to do just that.

Being back isn't so bad. It snowed the night I got in, but it melted the next day. I'm still counting down the weeks until I can go home again, but hey, it works for me.

A little note about going home after you've been at college for a bit: I think you tend to appreciate everything more. Especially your family. It was nice being able to see my mom, get home cooked meals (NOT Sodexo!) and even arguing with her all felt so familiar. It was nice to see my little array of people I call my family: my brothers, Alykhan, Nat, and Josh, my sister Kaity, and my boyfriend Daniel...the people that matter to you...maybe it's just me, but I guess you really realize how good something was when it's gone, and it makes you appreciate it so much more when you get it back. Even my dog and cat seemed nicer to me, haha.

Anyways, last semester was sort of disastrous, but...it's 2012!! and I am determined to look at this year with a positive note. It's going to be hard, but I'm going to put in all that I can to make it work. My schedule is hectic with several back to back schedules, but I'm sure that I can manage it. Daniel encourages me: "If anyone can make it through, it's you." So...I'm remaining positive.

I know it's been a long post, but let me just end with a quote I came up with a while back, that I still like to remember from time to time: "Carpe Diem. No time for regrets."

A Congressionaly non-censored post

Boy is it cold. I believe the high today is 33* Fahrenheit or 273.70556 Kelvin or 0.55556 Celsius for you European types. Either way, that's cold. And the only way I'll tolerate cold is if I can play ice hockey. They don't have that here. They don't even have a rink. The coldest city in Missouri and we don't even have an ice rink... This is just wrong. Can one of you Canadian types please ship me an ice rink? I'd love to have one. Please and thank you.

But in the mean time, I think I may have found a possible summer job working at a Christian youth camp in TX. Not bad eh? The only problem is that I"d like to goo back to Kinshasa sometime between now and August but this camp is all summer and I don't know if they'd let me back on if I left. So I'll have to do a bit more research into it and hope things work out. I thinkit would be awesome if I got a job there because then I'd be able to serve God AND make some summer money AND have fun. Anything wrong with that? Didn't think so.

Also, Rugby practice has begun again. We've got a lot of new guys coming out and it looks to be a good season. Problem is, practice is on Tuesday and Thursday after my high intensity interval training class for health... I'm in a bit of pain today. Everything from my knees down is either on fire or numb. The price I pay for some things makes me wonder why I do them... But then I remember "Akia-Kaha" Forever Strong. Gotta work hard to get anywhere. Bring it on!

And on a final note. Maybe some of you heard about my little brother Daniel already but if not here's what happened. He dropped a glass coke bottle on the floor at our home in Kinshasa and a piece of it sliced his leg quite deeply and he had to be rushed to the hospital through terrible traffic and was treated at a sketchy clinic. All is well and God provided perfectly for the needs that needed met. Thanks for your prayers guys!

Diamonds and Stones

Hey all!
So the last time I posted was around Christmas time, so here’s my new post of 2012! I am now back at Colby College doing something we call “JanPlan” which is where you take one class for a month. It has been an absolutely fantastic couple of weeks because I love my course and my state, Maine, has finally got some snow!!! Hello skiing, sledding, and skating! I am very happy with life right now. =] However, I decided I might do a little rant about something I’ve noticed in this term. JanPlan is well known for being the party month, the restful month, and the month to make as many friends as possible, as well as work on those relationships you may have neglected in the stress of first semester. I have been eating meals and spending time with old and new friends, and I’m having an absolute blast doing it! The drawback, however, is when I step back and wonder what will happen when I stop having as much free time as I do now. It seems inevitable that some of my newly made friendships are going to suffer, and it’s up to me to determine which ones are worth holding on to. I certainly will keep in touch with most people that I have met, having lunch with them from time to time, and perhaps even sitting with them in class, but I feel pressured to devote my time to a dozen or so meaningful relationships than spread myself thin over 50 surface friends. I absolutely love meeting new people, but I don’t want to be the girl that sacrifices her true friendships in the process of boosting my number of Facebook friends. I found a quote online that warns us not to lose our diamonds while we’re looking for stones which makes me worry that maybe I have been sacrificing too much by fluttering around. I spend most of my spare time trying to memorize names or adding new numbers in my phone instead of hanging out and keeping in touch with some of my greatest friends. I’m not talking about just college. All of my life I have enjoyed just putting myself out there, but sometimes I think I let some real treasures escape in the process. I’ll never know how many. The real friends I value from my past are those that stayed with me, and I realize that several of them felt my cold shoulder every now and then while I was too busy making new friends to spend time with them. I’d like to think it’s something about me that I can’t help, but the truth is that we’re all social butterflies. We all love to jump around from friend to friend, meeting new people, and having new conversations; but we can't forget the true gems that we have waiting for us. The whole quote says, "Never take someone for granted. Hold every person close to your heart because you might wake up one day and realize that you've lost a diamond while you were too busy collecting stones." And for me? Some of the diamonds I’ve found are worth all of the stones in the world, and I pray to God that I never lose them.

A new end, a new beginning.

Wow! My weekend was amazing!! I thought it would be nice to kick this year off right and on Friday I went to a B.S.U men's retreat for 3 days. What a blast. Guns, meat, brothers, mice, bugs and Sasquatch (maybe?). But I think the highlight of it was the time I was able to spend with God and my brothers in Christ. It's an indescribable experience really. It was a great time for me to focus on God and know what he wants for me now and I'm sure the guys would agree. But now I'm back and I feel that I'm ready to face the world out there because God's with me and I'm nothing without him. I really can't explain this guys. It's incredible!

And on a side note: I just ate an entire medium pizza from Dominoes. I'm not sure why other than I was missing almost 12 hours of food and I was incredibly hungry. Now I'm full and incredibly thirsty. I need some water or something. No soda during season.... That is all. Good night and enjoy MLK day!!!!

Home is where I want to be.

"Well, I'm home." - Sam Wise Gamgee. Couldn't have said it better myself. I don't know what it is about this semester but I feel great about it! I think I can largely attribute it to the emotional, physical and spiritual re-charge I got over Christmas break. So good! I got to see almost all of my old friends and we hung out at our old stomping grounds, but what I think really did it for me, was the time I spent with my family. My Mom and I still talk and such like good friends, Emily is the best little sister ever and I'm glad that we've stopped fighting so much, Daniel, man, well, he's a red-headed son of a missions wife so he's going to be special in all sorts of awesome ways. And then there's my dad. I think I went through a period of time when I didn't really appreciate what he did for us and the effort it took and I'm not proud of it, but in recent months I feel like I've come to understand who he is and just how much he has helped me and worked hard so that I can goo to this school and type these things and do what I want to do to become who I want to be. He's an amazing man and father. My family is one of a kind and I wouldn't trade them for anything. Where ever they are I think will always be home for me. But I also live here in the U.S of A. and this is my home as well. They say that home is where the hear is and I would agree. The thing is, I've had the luxury of living many different places and I love almost every single one of them. If I could live everywhere, I would. But I also could be happy living in one place. Such is the life of a TCK.

And now here is a little something I wrote in Kinshasa with te intention of posting, but I forgot with all that was going on. I'll let you know when I'm typing in the present again.

"My trip over here was eventful to put it mildly. It all started when I woke up on Saturday morning thinking my plane left St. Louis U.S.A at 3:00pm. Something prompted me to re-check my schedule and I found the my plane did not leave at that time, but it left at 12:00pm. At this point, I look at the clock and note that it is 10:45am. And using the fastest times I've ever had I get 30 min to pack two bags, 20 min to the airport, 10 min to check in, 10 min walking through the airport, 20-40 min for security and then maybe I'll get there on time. Do the math and that's nearly two hours... and 10:45am plus two hours is much later than 12:00pm. So due to my inability to control the space time continuum in a manner that would not effect everyone adversely I missed my flight to Washington D.C. Fortunately, that's a popular location and there was another flight out there soon enough for me to make it on and also make my connection in D.C to Brussels. After paying $70 to the nice man at the kiosk and booking it to my gate I assumed I was out of the weather. Come to find out, I was only going to have around 15 min in the D.C airport to get to my gate. I don't know how many readers out there have been in this particular airport but it's MASSIVE with a capital big." (back to 2012) so yeah. Big airport, no time, running like a scared tourist with a illegal souvenir. Fortunately for me, I don't panic easily so I made it there quickly and on time. the rest of the flight went smoothly and I arrived in Kinshasa unscathed and sleep deprived. That's when I learned they had lost my luggage... Three days later, I got it and all was well.

During the trip I had to many adventures to count so I'll talk about one of the biggest: The New Years Eve Party. Oh man do we know how to party. Passion fruits, dancing the can-can, fooze-ball, pool, swimming, countdowns, movies, food and more food. It was insane! I have my good buddy Alykhan to thank for it. Along with Daniel, Michael, J.D, Momo, and, to a lesser exstent Amilio and Arman. Thanks guys! I didn't mention the girls because I'll leave that to Shanti. Can't let me have all the fun.

The flight home was ok I guess. Boring and long. I got the St. Louis and guess what?! My luggage was missing!!! Yes. I lost my luggage both ways... I don't know what it is about my bag in particular but they like to not put them on the plane. Perhaps to look through my things and take the cool stuff. I lost an electric razor and two sets of headphones on the way there... Not cool. And I know it's an American worker who did it because they got past my TSA locks... Just goes to show that it's not the location that makes people corrupt. It's the person.

On a lighter note. I'm done with homework for the night and tomorrow is looking good so I'll sign off with this: Home is where the heart is, but my heart is where I want to be.