I Found God in a Hopeless Place

 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them”1 John 4:16

It’s come to my attention recently that I haven’t been filling the molds other people have expected me to fill. There are some things about me that are different; things that nobody planned. Things that come as a surprise to even me, and things I have to come to terms with, even if I don’t want to.
I’ve just completed my freshman year of college and let’s just say it was quite the doozy. My favorite piece on this blog from this year is “Monsters in my Heart”. It was a polished and poetic way of expressing all of the crazy doubts I’ve always had pent up in my mind. This post will run alongside “Monsters”, but in a much less elegant and much more raw form.
I have always been terrified of disappointing the people around me, especially those who have always been important: family, friends, and other loved ones. I feel like I spent my life trying to make everyone else happy; especially when it comes to their perceptions of who I am. I’ve always wanted people to be proud of me, through both troubling and easy times. But this year was different… this year I took some chances. They were bold, not all of them good, not all of them bad, but all of them scared the sh*t out of me. Taking steps without knowing where my feet were going to fall was the hardest thing, but something funny happened when I closed my eyes to risk it all… I found God.

Now I know this all sounds cheesy, so let me clear some things up first. I was raised in a loving and supportive Christian home with parents who worked (and still work) hard to try to give me the best possible position in life economically, academically, and religiously. I love them for that, and will be forever in their debt. So no, when I say I found God that doesn’t mean that I discovered who Jesus was and began reading all the Bible stories, etc.. No. I have been going to church as long as I remember, and the Holy Book was always present on our bookshelves, tucked between the French literature and tropical medicine texts of my youth.
When I say I found God, I mean that three years ago, it felt like I had lost Him. I stopped going to church, could barely look at the Bible, and convinced myself that I didn’t need to rely on Him.
Bad move on my part.
But God, being the lovely guy that He is, continued following me around, waiting for that moment when I would smack my forehead and realize that, “Oh yeah! Maybe it would be good to have Him in my life again…”
That’s what I mean when I say I found God. It took me falling into the deepest hole I’d ever been in to figure it out… but I’m so glad I did. On the worst day of the year, I made the decision to join Colby Christian Fellowship and through that, met some of the most incredible people ever, and I know He definitely had a hand in making sure they became a part of my life.
Before, and for a time afterwards, I was in a hopeless place, completely unable to deal with what was going on around me. I had convinced myself that I had somehow achieved the one thing I had dedicated my life to avoiding: disappointing the people I loved. I foolishly felt like no one was proud of me anymore, and that I had somehow messed everything up. I wasn’t a good Christian, I wasn’t doing as well academically as I wanted to, and I had flaws that I had never before been willing to admit. It was rough when I started coming to terms with all of the things about myself that didn’t fit other people’s mold of me, but at the same time, it felt good. Like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders to finally be looking in and concentrating on myself and who I really was. But, because I had kept it all in for so long, once I started letting go just a little bit, everything came crashing down all around me. I felt like I had somehow messed up the world in a million different ways. I struggled to keep things hidden, like my often-overwhelming anxiety and numerous insecurities, but that didn’t last for long. Everything that I had refused to confront ended up blowing up in my face and I was left in the middle, staring at the pieces around me. That’s when I found God. When I was at my lowest point, when I felt sure that no one on earth could possibly be proud of the girl I had become. When I felt like all the good I had done could never outweigh the stress and pain I was causing in other people’s lives. When I felt like I had disappointed everyone that had ever meant anything to me, just by being honest about myself. I found God in a hopeless place, and through God, I found love. I found love in new friends that stepped up to fill empty holes, I found love in the people around me who began sharing their own stories of pain and suffering, I found love in the reflection of myself I had shied away from for so long. I found love… and I found God. Because God is LOVE, and according to a verse a dear friend sent me, , “Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them”. So from this moment forward, I choose to live more firmly in God, because I don’t want to even imagine what another year of my life would be like without love and what another year of my life would be like without Him. And who am I kidding? I didn't find God, He found me.

Camp is Awesome

Man, where do I begin?  I'm 11 days into my 21 day training period and life is good!  I'm learning how to facilitate rock climbing (belaying the climbers), Rappelling, BMX track, terrain park, archery, knife throwing, riflery, waterfront, and the 800 foot zip line.  And much more to come.  It's amazing the resources used here to reach young lives for Christ.  The generosity God has given to this place in the past and even now on a continued basis.  I can't wait until the kids get here and I get to watch God work in their lives and in mine as well.  I've already seen him at work in my life and others around me.  I've seen His plans unfold right in front of me as He used me to do it!  It's indescribable really.  I'm also learning about myself as a child of God and as a man under His direction.  

You might get what you want... but is it what you need?

The stress of finals is kicking in. Another year is behind me, and it’s amazing to think that I will no longer be a freshman in a few short days. Once I take my exam on Monday I will be considered a sophomore, no longer the bottom of the totem pole. I cannot wait.

This year has taught me a lot of things. About friendship, loss, fear, strength, honesty, and, most importantly, love. I’ve had a hard time with that last one these past few months after someone that meant a great deal to me kind of fell out of my life. But now that the worst has passed, I’m actually extremely thankful that it happened. I learned a lot about myself… about what I wanted from my college experience, what I wanted from my friends, and what I wanted from myself. I started focusing on what made me happy and out of nowhere everything around me seemed suddenly brighter than it had ever been before. It’s like I somehow tapped into something magical… something that I never would have been able to see had I remained trapped in the same relationship. Never before have I felt so alive, or so absolutely in love with life, than I have been lately. And it’s not because everything is going well, because there are quite a few things that are actually really shitty, but this thing I encountered.... this magic… it makes me feel happy in a way I’ve never experienced… I think it might be love.

How do I know? I’ve never felt so accepted for who I am… so supported… so cared for. And all of that gives me hope. Hope that next year is going to be better than I could have ever thought possible.

I came into Colby with one goal in mind: Friendship. All I wanted to do at college was find that best friend, that soul mate with whom I could share my joys and struggles. Someone who would make me laugh, dry my tears, and love me for who I am, mistakes and all. Guess what? I found exactly that. I found a girl who was undoubtedly the precise thing I had been looking for my whole life. That friend who seemed to be the one who would finally stick by my side… who wouldn’t leave me for any of the reasons I’d been left behind before. She gained my trust, and renewed my faith in people, giving me a sort of strength I never could have imagined.

I got exactly what I wanted… but it wasn’t what I needed.

In the long run, the relationship caused more damage than anything else, and I was left a few feet deeper in a hole I thought I’d never find myself stuck in again. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with it, but I swore to myself a few years ago that I would never regret a single thing in my life… and I still don’t. Though the end of that friendship led to more pain than I could have imagined, I’m completely thankful for the experience. And I’m even more thankful that it came to an end.

I look around at my life now and realize that because I got what I wanted when I came into college, I had stopped looking for anything else. I convinced myself that I was content with what I had, but, deep down, it wasn’t enough. I wish I had been able to see that earlier… to take a step back and continue exploring college life… maybe I would have been able to save us, but I didn’t. And I can’t look back now and regret it, because I have so much to be thankful for and I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything in the world… even to get her back. I’ve met so many people, listened to so many stories, and had so many enriching experiences that I feel like I finally started doing college right. I think I got what I was supposed to get out of freshman year... and it’s much more than those extra couple pounds from quesadillas and curly fries at the Spa. ;]

I got love. I got support. I got experience, happiness, a family. I got faith, appreciation, honesty, and I got acceptance. I tapped into that magic on campus, whatever it is, and I walk around with it following me anywhere I go.

I guess I’m just overwhelmed at the amount of love in my life right now, and I cannot help but give a shout out to some of the most incredible people in the world: Shannon, Kelsey, Camille, Leah, and the rest of the girls. You have made SUCH a huge difference in my life that I can barely imagine where I would be without you. Thank you for loving me, for supporting me, and for accepting me for exactly who I am. I couldn’t ask for anything else. You helped me find the kind of love that I should have started out looking for. You helped me figure out exactly what I needed, and made me realize that it was so much better than what I thought I wanted. I love you. <3

End of the Begining

And so my freshman year of college draws to a close.  Time has come and passed, friends have come and gone, grades have risen, fell and risen again, new faces and new places have been scene and passed.  In all reality, I can't really put words to how I feel.  It's something deep.  I've grown but spiritually and physically in the last school year and it's only looking up from here.  There has been some hard times, I wont lie.  People aren't always who you think they are and you yourself are not always who you think you are.  You learn things about yourself when you're presented with situations that you'd never seen.  You'd only heard about them in book or movies, or those dark tales that your parents told you when you were small to make you appreciate your curfew or respect their disapproval of your one friend who always smelled funny or how they used to walk you to the door of school.  It's both an amazing and terrible thing to be a part of and to witness in others around you.  Because you know, that there's always that one person who will have your back and pick you up when you need it most.  But with the knowledge gained this year I hold high hopes for the coming school year and for the summer.

Speaking of summer.  I've nailed an awesome job at Camp Eagle in Texas for the entire summer.  I'm working as a counselor for kids ages 8-16 and a part time worship leader.  I'm going to be so busy it's crazy!  I'm so excited and can't wait until  it all comes together.  I start a 3 week staff training course on the 13th of May (mother's day too so be ready!!!) and then we have 10 weeks of campers and one more week until school starts for me in the fall.  So that's my summer in a nutshell. 

 Right now I'm sitting in my aunt and uncle's living room in Pleasant Hill MO.  Or, for all practical purposes: Kansas City.  I'm spending a week here before camp and chilling with my cousin and some friends who live in the area.  Hopefully it will be a good time and I'll get some R&R in before the summer wipes me out.  Maybe even go to the mall today?

And this is a video that I've been meaning to put up for a while now.  This is me at the start of my senior year of high school getting slapped because I lost a bet.  The bet being that it would not rain before Friday that week.  The bet was made on a Monday and this video was shot Thursday.  It rained Wednesday night....  One of my best friend's: Austin is the honorable man I lost to.  Well played Austin, well played.

Monsters in My Heart

When I was a kid, fear used to keep me up at night… fear of the imaginary monsters in my closet that would suddenly become real when the lights went off. I would close my eyes and sing a song, sometimes out loud, and sometimes in my head, just to make them go away. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But I always knew that the next morning they would be gone, and my fear would dissolve in the rays of the sun.
Now that I’m older, I still lie awake at night, unable to sleep because I’m afraid of the monsters… not the ones in my closet, but those that live within me. I spend my days trying to be better than the person I was yesterday, but I fall asleep with the fear that I’m still not good enough, that I’m not making enough of a difference, that I’m not trying as much as I could. I want to abolish the demons inside of me, get rid of the hate and replace it with love. I want to remove any drop of selfishness and fill the empty spaces with smiles and hugs, just waiting to be given out to those who need it. I want to change my impatience into a willing heart and listening ears, so that those who go so long being ignored will finally be heard. I want to transform my rash judgements into acceptance, so that everyone, no matter how different, will feel like they belong. I want to reshape my heart into a mirror, so that anyone who looks harshly at themselves will see that they are beautiful to me.

But I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough. I’m afraid I’ll never make enough of a difference. I’m afraid I’m only adding to the chaos instead of helping to alleviate it. And I’m afraid that my monsters will never stop tormenting me.

They taunt, they scream, they push. “You can’t do it” - “You aren’t strong enough” - “You’re a disappointment” - ”You make no difference to people, to the world”

I’m scared. Every night, I try to sleep. Every night I close my eyes and try to block out the voices. But I can’t… so when the sun comes up, I try my best to prove them wrong. To be better than I can be, and to never give up. But I’m getting tired, so my hope tonight is that I will find the strength to keep going. That the loneliness will disappear, and that I will meet someone who will reignite the fire, remind me what it feels like to belong, and who will fight alongside me to make this world of ours a happier place.

Tonight I hope that love will be my sunshine; that it will scare away the monsters, and that they will never come back again

Challenge #1

I believe that the #1 thing Jesus wanted us to learn as His creations was how to love. And when I say love, I mean unjudgemental, unselfish, true love. None of us can come close to His unconditional love, but we can strive each day to be better at caring for people.

It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexuality, or really ANYTHING about the person that makes them stand out. They are only different if we choose to see them that way. We are the creations of the boxes, the stereotypes, and the judgements.. not them.

So here's a challenge for the week: Try to show someone you wouldn't normally even look at a little love. Who knows? They might really need it right now.

Love

People walk around everywhere, carrying with them the love they feel for one another. It’s released in a kiss, a hug, a smile, or even a simple thought. Love is all around us, so why then can’t we see it? Recently, I’ve become strikingly aware of how much love is in my life, and it has filled my soul to the brim with an overwhelming happiness. I cannot describe how difficult the last 3 months of my life have been, and yet I find it almost impossible to wake up in the morning without a smile on my face. I’ve decided that love, like happiness, is something that just is. You can choose to hide from it or you can choose to bask in its warmth. Regardless of the amount of stress, drama, or craziness in your life right now, just take a moment and breathe. All around you is the love that people have shared with you throughout your life, so take a little bit of it in and breathe a little bit of it out. It truly makes the world go round, and can bring a smile to your face on even the darkest days.

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

It’s true; love is amazing. So go send some out there, and who knows how much you’ll get back in return?