Monsters in My Heart

When I was a kid, fear used to keep me up at night… fear of the imaginary monsters in my closet that would suddenly become real when the lights went off. I would close my eyes and sing a song, sometimes out loud, and sometimes in my head, just to make them go away. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But I always knew that the next morning they would be gone, and my fear would dissolve in the rays of the sun.
Now that I’m older, I still lie awake at night, unable to sleep because I’m afraid of the monsters… not the ones in my closet, but those that live within me. I spend my days trying to be better than the person I was yesterday, but I fall asleep with the fear that I’m still not good enough, that I’m not making enough of a difference, that I’m not trying as much as I could. I want to abolish the demons inside of me, get rid of the hate and replace it with love. I want to remove any drop of selfishness and fill the empty spaces with smiles and hugs, just waiting to be given out to those who need it. I want to change my impatience into a willing heart and listening ears, so that those who go so long being ignored will finally be heard. I want to transform my rash judgements into acceptance, so that everyone, no matter how different, will feel like they belong. I want to reshape my heart into a mirror, so that anyone who looks harshly at themselves will see that they are beautiful to me.

But I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough. I’m afraid I’ll never make enough of a difference. I’m afraid I’m only adding to the chaos instead of helping to alleviate it. And I’m afraid that my monsters will never stop tormenting me.

They taunt, they scream, they push. “You can’t do it” - “You aren’t strong enough” - “You’re a disappointment” - ”You make no difference to people, to the world”

I’m scared. Every night, I try to sleep. Every night I close my eyes and try to block out the voices. But I can’t… so when the sun comes up, I try my best to prove them wrong. To be better than I can be, and to never give up. But I’m getting tired, so my hope tonight is that I will find the strength to keep going. That the loneliness will disappear, and that I will meet someone who will reignite the fire, remind me what it feels like to belong, and who will fight alongside me to make this world of ours a happier place.

Tonight I hope that love will be my sunshine; that it will scare away the monsters, and that they will never come back again