The stress of finals is kicking in. Another year is behind me, and it’s amazing to think that I will no longer be a freshman in a few short days. Once I take my exam on Monday I will be considered a sophomore, no longer the bottom of the totem pole. I cannot wait.
This year has taught me a lot of things. About friendship, loss, fear, strength, honesty, and, most importantly, love. I’ve had a hard time with that last one these past few months after someone that meant a great deal to me kind of fell out of my life. But now that the worst has passed, I’m actually extremely thankful that it happened. I learned a lot about myself… about what I wanted from my college experience, what I wanted from my friends, and what I wanted from myself. I started focusing on what made me happy and out of nowhere everything around me seemed suddenly brighter than it had ever been before. It’s like I somehow tapped into something magical… something that I never would have been able to see had I remained trapped in the same relationship. Never before have I felt so alive, or so absolutely in love with life, than I have been lately. And it’s not because everything is going well, because there are quite a few things that are actually really shitty, but this thing I encountered.... this magic… it makes me feel happy in a way I’ve never experienced… I think it might be love.
How do I know? I’ve never felt so accepted for who I am… so supported… so cared for. And all of that gives me hope. Hope that next year is going to be better than I could have ever thought possible.
I came into Colby with one goal in mind: Friendship. All I wanted to do at college was find that best friend, that soul mate with whom I could share my joys and struggles. Someone who would make me laugh, dry my tears, and love me for who I am, mistakes and all. Guess what? I found exactly that. I found a girl who was undoubtedly the precise thing I had been looking for my whole life. That friend who seemed to be the one who would finally stick by my side… who wouldn’t leave me for any of the reasons I’d been left behind before. She gained my trust, and renewed my faith in people, giving me a sort of strength I never could have imagined.
I got exactly what I wanted… but it wasn’t what I needed.
In the long run, the relationship caused more damage than anything else, and I was left a few feet deeper in a hole I thought I’d never find myself stuck in again. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with it, but I swore to myself a few years ago that I would never regret a single thing in my life… and I still don’t. Though the end of that friendship led to more pain than I could have imagined, I’m completely thankful for the experience. And I’m even more thankful that it came to an end.
In the long run, the relationship caused more damage than anything else, and I was left a few feet deeper in a hole I thought I’d never find myself stuck in again. It’s taken a long time to come to terms with it, but I swore to myself a few years ago that I would never regret a single thing in my life… and I still don’t. Though the end of that friendship led to more pain than I could have imagined, I’m completely thankful for the experience. And I’m even more thankful that it came to an end.
I look around at my life now and realize that because I got what I wanted when I came into college, I had stopped looking for anything else. I convinced myself that I was content with what I had, but, deep down, it wasn’t enough. I wish I had been able to see that earlier… to take a step back and continue exploring college life… maybe I would have been able to save us, but I didn’t. And I can’t look back now and regret it, because I have so much to be thankful for and I wouldn’t trade what I have for anything in the world… even to get her back. I’ve met so many people, listened to so many stories, and had so many enriching experiences that I feel like I finally started doing college right. I think I got what I was supposed to get out of freshman year... and it’s much more than those extra couple pounds from quesadillas and curly fries at the Spa. ;]
I got love. I got support. I got experience, happiness, a family. I got faith, appreciation, honesty, and I got acceptance. I tapped into that magic on campus, whatever it is, and I walk around with it following me anywhere I go.
I guess I’m just overwhelmed at the amount of love in my life right now, and I cannot help but give a shout out to some of the most incredible people in the world: Shannon, Kelsey, Camille, Leah, and the rest of the girls. You have made SUCH a huge difference in my life that I can barely imagine where I would be without you. Thank you for loving me, for supporting me, and for accepting me for exactly who I am. I couldn’t ask for anything else. You helped me find the kind of love that I should have started out looking for. You helped me figure out exactly what I needed, and made me realize that it was so much better than what I thought I wanted. I love you. <3
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