Monsters in My Heart

When I was a kid, fear used to keep me up at night… fear of the imaginary monsters in my closet that would suddenly become real when the lights went off. I would close my eyes and sing a song, sometimes out loud, and sometimes in my head, just to make them go away. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn’t. But I always knew that the next morning they would be gone, and my fear would dissolve in the rays of the sun.
Now that I’m older, I still lie awake at night, unable to sleep because I’m afraid of the monsters… not the ones in my closet, but those that live within me. I spend my days trying to be better than the person I was yesterday, but I fall asleep with the fear that I’m still not good enough, that I’m not making enough of a difference, that I’m not trying as much as I could. I want to abolish the demons inside of me, get rid of the hate and replace it with love. I want to remove any drop of selfishness and fill the empty spaces with smiles and hugs, just waiting to be given out to those who need it. I want to change my impatience into a willing heart and listening ears, so that those who go so long being ignored will finally be heard. I want to transform my rash judgements into acceptance, so that everyone, no matter how different, will feel like they belong. I want to reshape my heart into a mirror, so that anyone who looks harshly at themselves will see that they are beautiful to me.

But I’m afraid I’ll never be good enough. I’m afraid I’ll never make enough of a difference. I’m afraid I’m only adding to the chaos instead of helping to alleviate it. And I’m afraid that my monsters will never stop tormenting me.

They taunt, they scream, they push. “You can’t do it” - “You aren’t strong enough” - “You’re a disappointment” - ”You make no difference to people, to the world”

I’m scared. Every night, I try to sleep. Every night I close my eyes and try to block out the voices. But I can’t… so when the sun comes up, I try my best to prove them wrong. To be better than I can be, and to never give up. But I’m getting tired, so my hope tonight is that I will find the strength to keep going. That the loneliness will disappear, and that I will meet someone who will reignite the fire, remind me what it feels like to belong, and who will fight alongside me to make this world of ours a happier place.

Tonight I hope that love will be my sunshine; that it will scare away the monsters, and that they will never come back again

Challenge #1

I believe that the #1 thing Jesus wanted us to learn as His creations was how to love. And when I say love, I mean unjudgemental, unselfish, true love. None of us can come close to His unconditional love, but we can strive each day to be better at caring for people.

It doesn't matter what race, gender, sexuality, or really ANYTHING about the person that makes them stand out. They are only different if we choose to see them that way. We are the creations of the boxes, the stereotypes, and the judgements.. not them.

So here's a challenge for the week: Try to show someone you wouldn't normally even look at a little love. Who knows? They might really need it right now.

Love

People walk around everywhere, carrying with them the love they feel for one another. It’s released in a kiss, a hug, a smile, or even a simple thought. Love is all around us, so why then can’t we see it? Recently, I’ve become strikingly aware of how much love is in my life, and it has filled my soul to the brim with an overwhelming happiness. I cannot describe how difficult the last 3 months of my life have been, and yet I find it almost impossible to wake up in the morning without a smile on my face. I’ve decided that love, like happiness, is something that just is. You can choose to hide from it or you can choose to bask in its warmth. Regardless of the amount of stress, drama, or craziness in your life right now, just take a moment and breathe. All around you is the love that people have shared with you throughout your life, so take a little bit of it in and breathe a little bit of it out. It truly makes the world go round, and can bring a smile to your face on even the darkest days.

“Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt."

It’s true; love is amazing. So go send some out there, and who knows how much you’ll get back in return?

An update from the past.

Oh man, March is almost over an there's not a single post to be had! What madness is this? Well I'm here to save the day (and hopefully provide some laughs along the way).

So what's happened with me since I posted last? No, it is too much, let me sum up:

God: good, Weather: improving, Health: excellent, Social life: good, School: meh, Rugby: could be better. So yeah. There's a lot been happening but today I'll tell you about the spring break trip I took with the BSU group here back in the beginning of this month. I'm sure most if not all of you have heard of the crazy huge tornado that tore Joplin Missouri apart last year. I know it's been a while but there is still a ton of debris and clean up work to be done. So that's what we did. Day 1 we worked in a huge Salvation Army warehouse moving boxes of clothes and sorting said clothes and building massive tables out of saw-horses, pallets, cardboard and shrink wrap. definitely a good opening to the trip. The only down set was the day before, one of our team members injured his ankle in a roller skating accident and was quite discouraged at his temporary lack of mobility (he was well-chair bound for the day). But what was really cool was his refusal to let it get him so far down that he became useless. he worked where he could as hard as he could and was a silent encouragement to us all.
The second day, we split into two different teams and attacked (some of us in a more literal sense) two different projects. The team I went with was helping to finish demolishing a trailer that the twister had gotten the best of and cleaning up the debris (which was around 98% fiber glass, 2% safe) that was all over the yard. That day was particularly fun as I was able to use a sledgie for most of it and beat the living snot out of stuff (like a toilet!!) That day we all worked together without serious injury (sunburns all around, but it was all good in the end. I have a nice tan now =)
Day three we cleared brush and broken fence stuffs from someone's yard and then moved to another site (because we work fast and finished early like the bosses we are) to move a pile of brush from one spot, to about 300 yards closer to the road. That was intense. I worked the wheelbarrow most of the day and probably moved a literal ton of wood. Turns out, the BSU peeps work really well as a team, setting up a mid-way point to switch out loads like a relay. much less work done but much more finished.
At some point, I believe it was day 4, tragedy struck. While finishing up child-care at a local church for the evening, a good friend of mine and team member fell and seriously bruised her knee. At the time she was unable to walk and was in a good amount of pain. We rushed her to the hospital and after a few tense hours of prayer and worry, we got a phone call that she was ok, it was only a serious bruise. Praising God for that. It was kinda scary.
After that, the week finished decently quick and un-eventful but we still had a good time. And now we've been back at school for a while and we can't wait for summer.
Speaking of summer I should tell you all about my job! I'm going to be a Headwaters counselor and part-time worship leader at Camp Eagle in TX. over the summer! I'm crazy excited about it and I can't wait to see how God can use me.
But until next time: Good bye, stay safe, and don't fall into the lightning sand.

Childish Jealousy

Hey again! Maybe I need to cut down on the posting since this is my third in a row and midterms are coming up.... Anyway, here's an old post I wrote that I never uploaded. I can't seem to get it off my mind. Some information is out of date, unfortunately. Enjoy!

When did I get so old?

So here I am at 5 am still awake after a night that didn't end until 3. I found myself running to my friend's room because I couldnt sleep but that just resulted in too much body heat for one dorm bed. So I left. I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I wish life was as simple as it was in first grade. Back then boys had cooties, the future seemed so distant, and you could make up with your best friend by bringing her favorite lollipop to school the next day. Kids were trusting, fearless. Nothing could permanently hurt our worlds or our hearts. Everything was carefree and i remember that my biggest problem was when my mom mixed up my lunch with my brothers and I ended up with a pb&j sandwich. Not everyone had it so easy when we were young, but even those problems seemed distant. What happened? Yes I am now more educated, more mature, but what has that done for me? Tonight I fended off several inebriated guys, worried desperately about the future, and eased the drama with my best friend. My world has become so complicated and I just want it to be simple. I want words like " I'm sorry" "I promise" and "I love you" to mean something again. I want the future to feel limitless. I want my relationships to be carefree. I want to be 6 again. These are the things I think about at 5am on a Saturday morning. I should be sleeping but I need to clear my head. I'm going to go for an early morning run and maybe I can close my eyes and convince myself that the world is simple. Maybe I can convince myself that all those words mean something. Maybe, just maybe, I can convince myself that I am a kid again

Survival of the Fearful

Everyone is afraid of something. Fear is our mind’s way of telling our body to stay away, that we are in some sort of dangerous situation and that we need to escape. We learn fear in order to survive. Take for example, that one time when you were a kid and your mother told you not to touch the hot stove. You didn’t believe her did you? No, we just have to try these things for ourselves, even if people tell us it’s going to hurt. Once we get burned, however, our body will instantly jerk our hand back, and we become afraid of touching it again. But what happens if it didn’t hurt THAT badly? Maybe we’ll try it again, just for the hell of it. And again. And again. Until that one time when you are so confident that your mom was wrong that you end up with a 3rd degree burn. You’re never going to want to touch the stove after that, whether it’s hot or not. So, though it may take a few tries for our brain to get the message, eventually we learn to be afraid of things. Fear can change our lives; sometimes it's healthy, and sometimes it’s not. But regardless, when something, or even someone, hurts us enough times, our mind tells us to run away, so that we don’t end up with another burn, scar, or broken heart. Fear helps us survive; and if you keep getting burned by that damn stove over and over again, it’s time to take your hand off it.

The Good, The Bad, and the Optimistic

Something good comes out of everything bad. Yeah I know it sounds cliché, but in my life, I’ve found that it’s absolutely true… without exception. While my short 18 years certainly haven’t been the worst, I’ve definitely had my fair share of rough times. There were a couple times where I was hanging on by a strand, with little reason to go on, but by some marvel I kept struggling, relying on my optimistic nature that told me that something good would inevitably come my way.

Think about it. When was the last bad thing that happened? Is there anything good that you can find that came out of it? Granted, it may be hard to find at first, but once you get into the habit of looking at the positive in the negative, it gets a hell of a lot easier.

It doesn’t have to be something as big as the stories we read about 9/11 with the people that got coffee spilled on them and therefore were late for work and not in the buildings when they crashed. It also shouldn’t be something cynical like reasoning that not getting chocolate for Valentine’s Day is good because it’s fattening anyway. We all know you would have liked to get chocolate (whether you would have eaten it or not is a different story). I’m talking about the rough times that everyone goes through, like break ups, failed tests, etc… that may feel terrible at the time, but if you look hard enough you can find something positive in your life that changed because of what happened. Sometimes what happened will outweigh the amount of good you find, no matter how hard you look, but the point of it is to realize that SOMETHING positive came out of it, regardless of how small that something might be.

I’m not saying that when something bad happens, you shouldn’t be sad, because it’s always important to feel the hurt of what you’ve gone through. But it’s also important to remember that things will get better, no matter what. Life can throw you some pretty wacky curveballs, believe me, I’ve been hit by that damn pitcher a couple times too many, but regardless of the bruises, scars, and broken hearts I’ve suffered, I still choose to be happy.

Anything can change in an instant. Today might be the worst day in the world, but tomorrow morning you might wake up and meet the love of your life. That’s what’s beautiful about this whole future thing… we have no idea what’s coming. It could be good, it could be bad, who knows? But instead of dreading, or being pessimistic about tomorrow, wouldn’t we be so much better off if we decided to greet every morning with a smile, regardless of our yesterday?
I’m not writing this post from an awesome time in my life and looking down on all the sad souls, telling them to perk up. No, my life is far from perfect. And I’ll be honest, there was a point, very recently, where I scoffed at my own principles and told myself how stupid I was to believe that life is anything but cruel and unfair. But with the help of some amazing friends, God, and my damn determination, I’ve come around once again to the fact that life will give you what it gives you and all you can do is try to be happy and hopeful, no matter what the circumstances.
The whole point of life is that it goes on. We’re all in it together and we can look at it whatever way we choose. I choose to be optimistic. I choose to believe that things happen for a reason. And I choose to believe that if I look hard enough, there’s going to be some sort of rainbow after every storm.